I often hear from women who are considering leaving their husbands. I believe that these women are often looking for validation as to whether leaving their husbands would be the right or the wrong decision. Often, I don’t know enough about the situation to feel comfortable helping someone make such a serious and far reaching decisions. But, I can and often do suggest some considerations to think over when trying to decide whether to leave or go. I will discuss some of these in the following article.
Are The Reasons That You Want To Leave Able To Be Fixed?: Obviously, the reasons for wanting to leave are going to play heavily into this decision. If a wife is in a situation where she’s being abused or hurt in some way, fixing this often requires extensive outside help as well as a huge amount of willingness on the husband’s part to change. This isn’t always present.
However, some problems and issues are relatively easily fixed. Many people contact me about money, intimacy, and communication issues. Basically, the couple keep dealing with (and having conflict over) the same issues over and over. And each time it continues to come up, resentment and disappointment sets in. Both parties can just become tired of nothing ever changing or improving.
The question is often if this is a problem that can be fixed or overcome (and many fall into this category,) and are you willing to put in the work, time, and tenacity to really solve this once and for all. Because often doing this will require you to both step outside of your comfort zone and identify where and why what you’ve been trying hasn’t been working. At that point, you’ll often have to try something new to change things up and have the best chance of success.
Looking At The Big Picture When You’re Considering Leaving Your Husband: Many people make the decision as to whether they will leave or go based on their wish for some relief. Many are so tired of dealing with the same thing over and over and they just don’t believe that anything is ever going to change in a meaningful or lasting way.
And many don’t even consider that if they tried something new, they might come up with a different result. It can be important to try to look at things objectively and to look at the picture in it’s totality. Many women in this situation have children to consider and are looking at being single parents or suddenly having to do a lot of things on their own
This will often factor into the decision, but it probably should not be your primary consideration. To me, it comes down to whether you feel that your life and well being are raised by leaving your husband or by staying (if you could work through the issues that are troubling the marriage right now.)
There’s little question that children benefit the most when they live with two parents who love them and one another. That really is the gold standard. I don’t think that many people would argue with this. However, it’s also pretty well accepted that children are better off in a single parent home if they were being hurt or damaged in a dual parent one that can not be fixed.
However, this is rarely the situation that I’m contacted about. Often, the wife feels as if she’s “fallen out of love” with her husband or she feels that the marriage is dead and she’s only going through the motions. These are often issues that can be fixed. It isn’t that her husband is abusive, cruel, or not a good person. It’s that he no longer makes her feel loved, understood, and cherished.
Often, with just little work, these things can return and the wife could feel happy and fulfilled again, but it’s hard for her to see this because she is tired of nothing ever changing and of feeling alone or lonely in her own home.
How Sure Are You That You Really Want To Leave? If There’s Doubt, Consider The Reasons Why The Doubt Is There: Very rarely do I hear from women who are sure that leaving is the best decision for them. Most of them want validation. And I think the reason for this is that they still have doubt about their motivations, their marriage, and their outcome.
Honestly, I’m often more inclined to think that they are really going to leave (or really want to leave) when they are indifferent. Or if they didn’t have strong feelings either way. People who come to a natural end to their marriage often don’t still have all of these questions or indecision. They know in their hearts that they did everything they could or followed the path until the very end.
I often suspect that the women who contact me still have some uncertainly about this decision because they know somewhere in their hearts that they haven’t went down every path yet. Perhaps they are scared of being hurt or they fear rejection. Perhaps being the one who is the initiator makes them feel awkward or vulnerable. Maybe they just don’t want to feel disappointed again. Or perhaps they just don’t know where to start.
Nonetheless, often their conflicted feelings are based, at least somewhat, on the sneaking suspicion that there might still be something left or there might still be a chance if only they knew what to do to make things right again. I honestly can’t make this call for anyone. I can only tell you that if you haven’t yet reached the point of indifference or certainty, perhaps it’s time to take a long hard look at all of the issues and things you have tried to see if maybe there is another way to try something else until you get the desired result.
Because if you were sure that leaving was the right decision for you, at least right now, then you might not still be researching this decision but instead would be acting on it.