I often receive emails from wives from husbands have just left (or are about to leave.) Some of the more common questions I’m asked are: “what are the chances my husband will come back?;” “how can I get my husband to come back home more quickly?;” “what will I do if he leaves and never comes back?”; and “how can I stop him from leaving in the first place?”
The answer to these questions depend upon the circumstances, but with that said, how you play it while your husband is gone or is contemplating leaving is going to have a huge effect on the results that you get. There are things that I see wives do that almost always push the husband further and there are things that commonly yield good results. I’ll discuss both in the following article. But the quick answer is yes, men do come back, but the chances of this are better if you play this correctly.
Just Because He’s Left, This Doesn’t Mean That He’s Never Coming Back: I can not tell you the desperation that I sense in the emails that I get. I do understand this, because I was once in the same situation. But, it’s important that you don’t admit defeat before you’ve even started playing the game. When I was going through this, I had a girlfriend who one day very honestly told me that I was “the walking wounded.” I was moping around and exuding a vibe that said I knew I was beaten and wasn’t worthy. Obviously, this isn’t attractive to anyone or conducive to luring anyone back.
The point is, don’t let your panic and desperation show. If you need to let these feelings and fears out, journal when you are alone. But, it’s important that you portray a person who wants to save the marriage or relationship, but who respects and believes in herself enough to know that she’ll make it and that she’s worthy no matter what.
This is so much more attractive than someone who is clingy, needy, hovering, or acting in a pretty embarrassing way in the hopes that the drama will force him back.
You Can’t “Make Him” Come Back, But You Can Help Him To Want To Come Back: So many women ask me how to “make” or “get” their men back home. The implication of this is wrong in so many ways. First, “making” someone do something that they really don’t want to go is not going to create the lasting results that you want. You don’t want him home because he feels guilty or reluctantly comes back when his heart truly isn’t in it.
Under those circumstances, you’ll be revisiting this issue again in the near future. Instead, you want him to genuinely want to come back with his whole heart, fully committed to working with you to fix things once and for all to ensure that this isn’t going to happen again. So, rather than arguing with him, giving ultimatums, pouring out the drama, or playing games, focus on creating positive interactions between the two of you that are going to contribute to him wanting to come home.
Now, I don’t mean that you should degrade yourself or give in to things that are important to you. What I mean is that you should carefully evaluate the qualities that first attracted to your husband to you or the things that you first enjoyed together and focus on those things.
Because often, people mistake or don’t really understand why the husband has left. They think that it’s external, third party type things like a clashing of personalities, stress, money worries, infidelity, etc. What it almost always really is instead is the loss of connection and closeness. Think about it. When you are your husband are in sync, the problems that you face seem small. You’ll gloss over them because you’re happy and getting your needs met. You want to work with this person because you know that you’re both in this together and are a team.
But, once the connection starts to waiver, he’ll begin to see himself as an individual rather than part of your team. The things that he used to shrug off or find endearing are suddenly driving him crazy or become a deal breaker. So, rather than focusing on sorting through the fights, fixing the money problems, etc., first address the loss of intimacy. Now, you will need to address these external things later. I’m not telling you to ignore them indefinitely. But, it doesn’t make sense to stick a band aid on something that hasn’t really healed. If you do, the same old issues are going to keep coming up, and will be harder to fix each time they reoccur.
Getting Him To Come Back More Quickly: The best thing that you can do when your husband leaves or threatens to is to remind yourself to always be conscious of your actions. It’s so easy to panic and overreact and these things will only push him further away. It’s fair to say that if he’s left, it’s because he sees things very negatively right now and he doesn’t think that things can change. To put things very simply, your goal should be to change his perception from negative to positive and to show him through the things that take place that in fact things can definitely change.
So, you want to conduct yourself with dignity and grace. You want to maintain a smile on your face and keep your open heart. It’s easy to be argumentative or to try to make him feel guilty or to convince him that he’s wrong. But, this isn’t going to help your cause. It’s better to validate him from the get go. Tell him that he’s right, that things are not acceptable right now and you both deserve better. Explain that you don’t know how this will end up, but you can both control how you interact in the days to come. Remember the things that first attracted him to you? Now is the time to put them on full display. You want to be that confident, happy, competent, and alluring woman he could not live without.
When he sees that she’s still there and that he can be connected to her again, the rest is going to fall into place, little by little.