Few of the emails that I get are as full as hurt and frustration as the ones from the wives whose husbands have either told them or let slip that he no longer finds her attractive. Many issues and problems in marriage are painful, but being told by the one you love that there is something wrong with your physical appearance or that “the chemistry is gone” because of this is a brutal slap – one that you know that you must overcome because physical attraction is an important component of marriage. Still, it may surprise you to know that this “no longer attracted to you” business is often the result of something else entirely rather than about how you look. I’ll address this more in the following article.
Attractiveness Isn’t All About How You Look, What Your Age Is, Or What You Weigh: Many wives come into this with a sort of defeatist attitude because they can’t literally turn back the clock or go back in time. Most of us are doing the best we can, but time changes our faces and bodies and children put on a few pounds sometimes, so this all seems extremely unfair, especially since your husband probably looks a lot different too.
But, before you throw in the towel, you have to know that it often isn’t all about the things that you can’t change. It truly is partly your attitude and your level of confidence. And, part of it depends upon how he feels about the relationship and the pay off that he is getting from it. There are millions of men out there who are completely devoted to wives who aren’t beauty queens but who take care of themselves, understand their husband (and his needs) very deeply, and prioritize intimacy and connectedness in their marriages.
Here is the truth. Often how a man feels about his wife, his marriage, and his life is almost completely reflected from how he feels about himself. His wife is all part of that package and he wants her to be appealing physically because this reflects on his attributes and on his ability to attract and keep a desirable woman. But, “desirable” is in the eye of the beholder. What one man finds to be eye candy will not be all that great to another.
And, how attractive he sees you one day (when all is good between you) may differ markedly from how he feels another day (when he doesn’t feel intimate and connected with you.) Keep this in mind because often his having a bad day or finding fault in other areas of his life are not your fault and you should not be held accountable for them. Often, this will blow over as he begins to navigate the other problems in his life. But, you can use this as an opportunity for self introspection and improvement if this is applicable to your situation.
How Do YOU Rate Your Attractiveness?: Often, when women write to me with this problem, I ask them that, if they are being honest, are there any concerns that they themselves have been having? Is there anything that they agree with? Some will say that they would feel better if they lost a few pounds or maybe highlighted their hair to draw more attention to their eyes (the feature their husband once loved.) My advice is often, if there is anything bothering YOU then address it. If any of the things that your husband says rings true, there’s nothing wrong with using this as an opportunity for self improvement, as long as you are doing it for yourself and not only for him.
There are very easy ways to make the most of your attributes and to downplay the features that you don’t like. Eating healthfully and taking care of yourself only benefits you and your children as well as your husband. I always advocate dong the best you can and making the most of what you’ve got. What I don’t advocate is having procedures done that you really don’t want just to please someone else or trying to hit a moving target. Human beings are imperfect. We age. We are never going to look perfect. But, if we pull off our best selves with self love and confidence, then THAT is going to be attractive to those who love us for other things – our easy laugh, our open heart, our love of life and our families, etc.
Knowing What’s Attractive To Most Husbands: I talk to men (husbands) quite often on my blog. They often tell me things that they would find attractive in their wives (which they often wish she had more of.) What do you think these attributes are? Most women will say things like a large chest or blond hair or long legs – or things that are only seen on the surface. This is not what men list when they talk to me. Often the two phrases that they use the most are enthusiasm and confidence. They want to know that you are 100% there and would rather be no where else. They want to know that you value them as much as the job or the kids. They want to know that you’re “into” both them, the marriage, and the intimacy between you. A woman who is warm and whose maybe a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10 is, I promise, going to be more attractive to the man who loves her because of how she makes him feel than one of who is whopping 10 but who doesn’t “get him” or have that emotional connection.
You already know he loves how you look. He feel in love with you once. Now, you just need to reignite the combination where you can be enthusiastic and confident. And, quite honestly, I find that this often has more to do with the wife than the husband. She’s secretly bothered by the way she looks and is always asking the husband does she look fat, can he see her double chin, does she look older, etc. You don’t want to put these ideas into his head. You want to get to a place where you are happy with and love yourself because this is going to permeate onto him and onto your marriage.